1 Girl, 4 Martinis

This Blog Is Made for Walkin' (And Has Moved!)

2006-06-28T15:45:00.000-07:00

I am extremely jealous by nature and just CANNOT stand it when someone has something cool that I want. So when two of my fellow bloggers - The Froth Mistress and Tony - recently moved their blogs to Word Press, I just had to (HAD TO) move mine as well. And get my own domain name as well. Which I think is pretty darn cool.

I have officially moved here. (And if you link to me, I would greatly appreciate it if you would kindly update my url.)

The new site is very much a work in progress. I apologize if I have inadvertently left you off my blogroll. If such is the case, please email me here so that I may fix the situation.

(Thanks to Tony for his help with Word Press as well as to Jenee of People are Idiots fame for advice on the move.)

Night of the Living Kitchen

2006-06-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

OK, seriously, this kitchen remodel needs to be finished now. I mean NOW. N-O-W.

I have started having nightmares about it. Monday night I dreamt that I came home from work and the countertop had been installed. It was a whole day early so I was very excited! Until I looked at it and said "What the FUCK?"

You see, my countertop was stainless steel rather than the beautiful quartz I thought I had ordered. (My contractor conveniently reminded me that I had changed my mind at the last minute.) So now not only did I have a very shiney countertop but it also went on for miles in a multi-tiered fashion. It sloped downhill in 3 tiers across the dining room and living room. All I could think was "This cost a lot of money."

Then last night I dreamt that rather than having my new cabinets installed in my kitchen, they were installed in a spare room in my contractor's house where he lived with his wife and approximately 14 adopted daughters who were all blonde. (He's black, btw.)

One day I went over and one of his lovely brood had carved graffiti on the front of one of the drawers.

Thank god the alarm went off. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

Fingers Crossed Please!

2006-06-27T21:19:00.000-07:00

The countertop is supposed to be installed tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed everybody!

Pizza of the Gods

2006-06-27T21:06:00.000-07:00

OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD!

Maia and I had the best freaking pizza in the world tonight! If you live anywhere near Pizza Antica, you simply MUST get in your car right now, drive straight to the restaurant, and order the asparagus pizza with taragon, preserved lemon, and a mixture of mozzarella and parmesan cheeses all on a super thin cracker-like crust.

Just Call Me Done

2006-06-26T23:36:00.000-07:00

There is only one person who will truly get this but that's OK. eclecticdeb this is for you: I am number 3 (that's right I said THREE) on gawgle for "mary you're done."

I'm sorry that this makes no sense to anyone else. But deb and I have been friends for quite some time and have been through a lot together. Girl, you're done. Lol.

More
I mean who fucking seriously gawgles "Mary you're done"? I love it. I love that person.

I hope it's a man.

Fast and Furious

2006-06-26T23:04:00.000-07:00

My heart goes out to these folks. A day after this we have this. I struggle to keep up with all of this. But with the attacks getting closer to the capital city of Colombo, things aren't looking good. The LTTE denies the attacks and the government insists it was them. Well, if it wasn't the LTTE, then whom? Come on. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this one out.

I Saw God in the Bottom of a Wine Glass

2006-06-26T16:35:00.000-07:00

A wine glass never left my hand this weekend.

I started out Friday evening with drinks with Jenn at Village Cafe. Somewhere during the course of our discussion she mentioned that she was going to an auction at her church Saturday evening. She goes to this church that I guess you would describe as "new-agey." The minister/pastor/whatever is a young gay guy who frequently has "religious" experiences at Nordstrom.

Let me tell you right now, readers, beware of the power of wine! For some reason it sounded like a good idea to go to this thing. (As eclecticdeb said, "Has the world stopped spinning?") You see, I'm very devout. A devout atheist, that is.

So Saturday evening I put on the most hooker-ish clothes I could find and drove my butt on over to the Center for Spiritual Living. (I looked for a website to link to, but they don't seem to have one.)

Anyhow, the first 45 minutes were complete dullsville, and I was looking for a quick escape route. It was about 6:45 and the live auction didn't start until 8:00. Most of the silent auction items I found dreary. (A basket of goodies for your cat??? bleck.) But then Jenn finished her volunteer duties and her crazy friend Melissa and her sister showed up.

By this time the wine was flowing freely and we were having fun. Then it was time for the live auction. Let this be a lesson to you: Auctions and wine do not mix! Oh, they mix just fine for the hosting entity (which I'm sure the church knew full well), but they do not mix well for he who is drinking the wine.

Jenn had already told me about the first auction item. You see both Reverend David (he of the Nordstrom "religious" experiences) and the church's music director (also conveniently named David) drive BMW Z3's. So they were auctioning a drive for two people with both of the David's followed by a gourmet lunch after.

I know what you're thinking: Please tell me you did not bid on that. Well, not only did I bid on it, but I won. For a mere $425. (I just could not let that old lady beat me.)

So now Jenn and I will be going on a drive with a well-dressed gay man and a music director. Don't worry, I've already told them I'm driving.

And because I hadn't had enough wine this weekend, I went to a wine tasting event with Vodkagirl and Mahesh(a) in San Francisco on Sunday called Pinot Days. (Oh, and Mahesh's friend Rebecca was there as well.) So after 4 hours of sleep on Saturday night, I drug my ass out of bed at 6:30 Sunday morning.

We started with a fantastic breakfast at Vodkagirl's pad which included homemade donut balls! (I've decided this is a better name than "donut holes.") Then it was onto the drinking. There were something like 100 wineries in attendace. "Pace yourself" was the motto of the day. (And thank god we'd lined our stomachs with grease and fat at breakfast!)

I'd estimate that I probably consumed the equivalent of about 3 glasses of wine. (I know what you're thinking: only 3???) We tasted 2 or 3 really great wines. A fair amount of so-so wines and 2 or 3 really nasty wines. My favorite by far was a winery in Santa Rosa called Dutton-Goldfield. Moshin Vineyards in Healdsburg was also excellent. And the owners looked like they weren't even old enough to drink.

After all of this wine, you'd think I'd give my liver the night off, but no. I think I'll pop by Paragon and grab something to eat. (Keep your fingers crossed that this is my last week of full-time eating out.)

One of Life's Little Lessons

2006-06-25T20:20:00.000-07:00

Let this be a lesson to you, don't drink and email!

(Thanks to eclectideb in advance for my next "anniversary of my 27th birthday" present.)

What Would BACON Do?

2006-06-25T17:55:00.000-07:00

OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD! You have got to see this! Please look. Pretty pretty please.

(This site comes courtesy of Robert the Llama Butcher who spotted the Lunch Lady Action Figure.)

Oh, oh! Please somebody buy me the Vincent van Gogh Action Figure for my next birthday!

Happy Anniversary Mistress 'o Froth!

2006-06-23T21:45:00.000-07:00

The Froth Mistress writes this evening that it is her birthday and her shoes are partying like it's 1999. Well I say it's not your birthday, girl, it's the anniversary of your 27th birthday! (And my shoes are SO jealous there is a mutiny going on upstairs. Must take them wine now.)

All Wrong

2006-06-23T16:35:00.000-07:00

You absolutely cannot "like" your married boss. But what if he isn't your boss anymore? And what if he might not be married anymore either?

I Think I'd Like a DNA Transplant Please

2006-06-23T15:31:00.000-07:00

Would someone kindly explain to me why all women do the following: "He said x. What do you think he really meant???"

I think it must be in our DNA. Lord help us all.

I Shot A Man In Reno Just To Watch Him Die

2006-06-23T01:09:00.000-07:00

Well not really. But I could. I'm a pretty decent shot. And there have been times when I've wanted to. Although not in Reno. OK, maybe just once.

Nightey night.

It's All-Amr-Diab Thursday

2006-06-22T23:59:00.000-07:00

I have to admit this is one of my favorite songs ever.

Well, perhaps you just have to be there.

Ack!

2006-06-22T17:39:00.000-07:00

What's worse than having a song stuck in your head? Well, I will tell you: having a song stuck in your head in a language you don't speak!

I do love this guy though. And I've had more fun dancing to this song than I can say.

Girls Will Be Girrls

2006-06-22T11:11:00.000-07:00

Last night Jenn, Stacy, Vodkagirl and I decided to do a bit (just a bit, ha!) of wine drinking. So we started out at Vintage Wine Merchants. We sat outside despite the 100 degree heat. (I imagined I was sitting on the banks of the Nile or some such.)

After a few lovely glasses, food was definitely in order. So we decided to walk 20 steps to Left Bank. (Conveniently Jenn is dating the manager who is a lovely man. Although, he would be a lovely man even if did not manage a restaurant. But it's very nice that he does.)

Jenn's beau believes that every meal should start with Champagne! (Hey, works for us.) We started the meal with a wonderful cheese fondue. (The best fondue I've had outside of Switzerland where Stacy, Maia, and I almost created an international incident by ordering it out of season.) It definitely was not fondue season last night but what the heck!

We ended the meal with another fondue - this time chocolate. And they had the most wonderful peanut butter cookies and macaroons to dip in the chocolate! Somewhere in between I had a fabulous monkfish. Oh, and a bottle of wonderful wine miraculously showed up as well!

I think I need bigger pants.

(Oh, and I forgot to add that Stacy was very jealous that Vodkagirl and I have fake names. So part of the evening was spent in looking for an alias for Stacy. Hereafter she shall also be known as LaPrada Beaujolais.)

Pro.Cras.Tin.A.Tion

2006-06-21T15:22:00.000-07:00

I need to be writing my performance review. 'Tis due a week from Friday. I don't wanna. OK, maybe I'll work on it for an hour. Right after I pee. And get some water. And check out a few more blogs.

You Scream, I Scream, We All Scream for.... (Ceja)

2006-06-20T23:29:00.000-07:00

Oops, the rhyming not working so well there.

The dinner at Village was lovely and fantastic as always. And apparently Amelia Ceja and I are now old friends as I was hugged and then reprimanded for not having yet visited the winery. Ooops. I've committed to July 1 at 1:00. All interested parties know how to reach me. 'Twil be a blast.

Wow!

2006-06-20T23:12:00.000-07:00

I'm #8 on Gawgle for "Stockholm ugly bar." Toldja all the Swedes not so attractive. (And my 1/8th Swedish part feels extremely confident in this declaration.)

Yippee!

2006-06-20T15:35:00.000-07:00

It's almost time for wine! Village Cafe is having one of their lovely winemakers dinners tonight and this one features Ceja Vineyards. This will be the second Ceja dinner I've attended. Amelia Ceja's wine is simply divine, and she's also quite a character. It should be a very nice evening.

The Pastor's Ass

2006-06-20T15:15:00.000-07:00

(This is courtesy of Felony Joyride.)

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey,so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas, the Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY?
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
So, be yourself and enjoy life ... stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!

And Now a Word of Advice from Wilford Brimley

2006-06-20T13:26:00.000-07:00

Ladies, here is some very valuable advice from Wilford Brimley on how to give a hand job.

I Think I Might Be Done

2006-06-20T01:03:00.000-07:00

Stories like this make me want to say "Fine, take your shitty-ass country back and run it into the ground. See if I care."

To what end was this done? Oh yeah, it's the religion of peace. I forgot. (Stupid, stupid blonde!)

(Oh yeah, and I'm sure I'll get some idiot commenting here claiming "It's not true, it's not true!!!" Whatever, Mary. You're done.)

(BTW, did I spell "shitty-ass" correctly?)

Ew-ewwwwwwwwwwwwww... He's Ba-ack!

2006-06-20T00:08:00.000-07:00

Thank gawd for Agent Bedhead who can actually stomach this "stuff" much more than dear little me. He's baaaa-aaaack! Our dear Petey-boy hasn't seen fit yet to kill himself on heroin. Now coke's the goods for him.

This man simply cannot last through the year. (Oh, but I've got 3/17/07 as my official entry in my offical "Pete Doherty Death Watch.")

(Comments off since I'm sick and fucking tired of this "man's" sad and angry fans calling me the dreaded "c" word for my official "Pete Doherty Death Watch." Get a fucking life. I truly don't wish this man any ill-will. He brings it all upon himself. Oh yeah, and his music sucks as well.)

Monday Night's Alright for Fighting

2006-06-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

Oh dear. Probably not the best idea to start the week off by going out ostensibly to watch a hockey game that started at 5:00 and to arrive home sometime after 11:00. Oops.

Guilty as Charged

2006-06-18T23:29:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make. Last week I went to the dentist for a cleaning which usually puts me in a bad mood. My dentist's office has TV's mounted near the ceiling so that when they put you in the torture chair and tip your head below your feet, you can see the TV!

The movies they play are always the exact thing I hate - big stupid "cineplex" comedies. And last week was no exception. They were playing Monster in Law. First off I can't stand Jennifer Lopez. She couldn't act her way out of a paper bag. And then there is the story line - poor girl who has bad luck with men manages to live by the beach in a beautiful apartment and then meet the doctor of her dreams. Bleck.

But I have to confess that I found myself laughing out loud more than once. (Which is really interesting with someone's hands in your mouth.) Sadly, though, I only got to watch about 30 minutes. Now I'll have to rent it to watch the end. Please don't tell anyone.

Please Make It Stop

2006-06-18T23:23:00.000-07:00

I got a little change in my pocket going jingle lingle ling
want to call you on the telephone baby I give you a ring
but each time we talk I get the same old thing
always no huggin no kissin until I get a wedding ring
my honey my baby don't put my love upon no shelf
she said don't give no lines and keep your hands to yourself

Cruel baby baby baby why you want to treat me this way
you know I'm still your lover boy I still feel the same way
that's when she told me a story 'bout free milk and a cow
and she said no huggin no kissin until I get a wedding vow
my honey my baby don't put my love upon no shelf
she said don't hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself

you see I wanted her real bad and I was about to give in
that's when she started talkin' true love started talkin' about sin
I said honey I'll live with you for the rest of my life
she said no huggin no kissin until you make me your wife
my honey my baby don't put my love on no shelf
she don't hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself

Well, at least it's better than this.

Scanners

2006-06-18T22:41:00.000-07:00

(No! Not the movie.)

I need a scanner. I have many photos taken from past travel adventures and would love to have them online. Hence my desire for a scanner. However, I know zero about them. Any thoughts?

(Oh, and BTW, is A Scanner Darkly EVER going to be released??? They've been doing previews in theaters for what seems like 3 years now.)

Florence or Bust (Who's Florence and Why Am I Talking About Her Bust?)

2006-06-16T21:45:00.000-07:00

(I'm going to keep this one at the top for a little bit. Please scroll down for new posts.)

My dear friend Felony Joyride is running in a marathon in Florence this fall to raise money for the San Francisco Aids Foundation. But first he must raise $5,000. I'm not usually one to ask folks for money, but should anyone feel so inclined, please email me at bobgirrl2006@yahoo.com.

Felony is currently in the process of putting together a blog to track his progress. (I'll be lending a helping hand to beef up the blog which is sort of like the blind leading the blind.)

Good Golly Miss (Uh What's Russian for?) Molly

2006-06-16T21:42:00.000-07:00

I am #1 on MSN search for "novokuibyshersk oil." This is all courtesy of eclecticdeb and her admirer, Yuriy Onufreyiv. Be sure to send Yuriy your regards at salenco_viktor@yahoo.com. Although, saddly I think that Yuriy has stolen Elena from Bull Bunky.

Happy Get Drunk Friday!

2006-06-16T17:11:00.001-07:00

RW has proclaimed it to once again be Get Drunk Friday. So in honor of the occassion I plan to head over to Paragon where I hope to not run into Jonathan. I ran into him there last week, and I've concluded that there is definitely something wrong with him. Can't quite put my finger on it. But definitely something.

Walmart Wedding

2006-06-16T16:49:00.000-07:00

To see more of the happy couple, visit Jenee at People are Idiots.

Some People Call It a One Night Stand But We Can Call It Paradise

2006-06-16T03:00:00.000-07:00

In 1982 or early 83 I saw this. I remember thinking two things at the time - 1. where the fuck is that??? and 2. I will go there someday.

Even though Al Gore had not yet invented the internet and my parents did not have MTV (something they finally got THIS YEAR, btw), it didn’t take long to figure out the locale. However, most 13 year old girls don’t have an easy time of travelling half way ‘round the world.

So the “half way ‘round the world” part took me 20 years, but in 2003 I made it. I had the opportunity and I seized it. And now that it turns out the cease fire is over, I might never get another chance. But I’ve been on that beach under those palm trees and seen those fishermen squatting on those poles (just south of Colombo). I’ve stood on top of that rock (Sigiriya). And I’ve stood next to those giant Buddha statues (Polonnaruwa).

What happened yesterday makes me very sad. Sri Lanka is a beautiful place with beautiful people who unfortunately don’t seem to be able to live together.

Tags: Sri Lanka

Stumbling Contradiction

2006-06-15T16:04:00.000-07:00

Is it weird to watch the Stanley Cup finals and read Moll Flanders at the same time? (Do you see now why I'm single?)

Remodelling Update

2006-06-14T10:46:00.000-07:00

I was a bit AWOL from my blog last week due mostly to the fact that I had remodelling issues to deal with. Since it's going to take longer to get the countertop than if I went to Italy and mined the quartz myself, we decided to go ahead and get the new hardwood floor and carpet installed.

The upside of this was that I could have my new furniture delivered sooner rather than later. The downside was the huge fucking mess created by the removal of the old hardwood floor. I spent many many hours cleaning this weekend. For the most part the house is clean but there are still some details that need to be taken care of.

(BTW, if one more person asks me when I'm going to get the countertop, I'm going to scream. My standard answer has become "when they call me and tell me it's ready.")

For anyone who's interested, here are some before and after shots (or in the case of the kitchen, a during shot). Unfortunately it looks like neither the old nor the new carpet shows up very well.

Living room before
Living room after
Dining room before
Dining room after
Kitchen before
Kitchen during

Wine & Martini Girrls

2006-06-14T10:35:00.000-07:00

I've been a bit behind in my blogging lately (due to some remodelling matters), so I haven't had a chance to mention the Wine & Martini Girls dinner last week at Maia's.

The food was fantastic (haven't had any bad food at one of these yet)! Maia made roasted seafood which included prawns, scallops, and crab legs. All of it was fabulous but the crab legs were definitely my favorite!

The dinner was also a send off for Tracy who is about to give birth to little Ella Grace Torrez in just a few short weeks. Congratulations to Tracy and her husband MJ!

Many witty comments were made which, sadly, I did not write down. Next time!

While on the Topic of Spam...

2006-06-13T12:48:00.000-07:00

I just checked my Spam email folder. I like to do a periodice perusal to make sure something didn't get dumped in there that shouldn't have been.

I had an email from Mabel Sampson with the following subject: "Take just a candy and become ready for 36 hours of love." Uh, thanks but no thanks Mabel.

A question springs to mind that perhaps I should email Mabel on for clarification. 36 hours??? Serioulsy, doesn't that cause chafing? (Perhaps Mabel should consider going into business with Hugo Schlong the "Chafing Cream King.")

What's Russian for Spam?

2006-06-12T10:59:00.000-07:00

Wow, it looks like the Russians have a different approach to Spam than the Nigerians (and they're also not nearly as generous)! (Courtesy of eclectideb.)

Dear friend,

I have sent you this mail because of the need to open discussions with you. I don't want you to misunderstand this offer in any aspect, if it is okay with you I ask for your full cooperation. I am Salenco Viktor, the General Manager of Novokuibyshersk Oil an international affiliate of Yukos Oil and Gas Company based in Russia. Due to ill Health I have esophageal cancer, it has defiled all forms of medical treatment and according to the medical experts it is a terminal illness so I do not know how much longer I have to live.

I never had any real Friends in my lifetime because I never really cared for anyone but my business. But now I know that there is more to life than making all the money in the world. However, certain unfolding events has made it very necessary for me to seek your help, my company is fighting investigations and bankruptcy due to the Yukos Oil problems in Russia, most of my assets were seized due to this case.

Recently I received a bulk payment from South Africa Ministry for my last contract there. I instructed them specifically not to send the funds to Russia because of the problems, but that the funds to be deposited with a Finance and Security company in Europe on hold. A huge cash deposit of Fifteen Million dollars was domiciled with a finance/Security Company overseas to my knowledge only. This is the last of my assets, now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore, I therefore need you as a partner because you are a neutral party to help me collect this funds deposited with the security company and disburse it secretly based on instructions.

Because my time is short I have decided to give most of this money to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. For all your good efforts you will receive 30% of the Funds and must disburse the rest based on instructions. I want you to understand my seriousness in this case and if you can handle the job kindly contact me on this email: for security purposes. I have all the necessary documents on hand; please contact me ASAP, so we can discuss more.

Thank you for your anticipated cooperation. If you are not interested, please keep it to yourself and do not respond.

Best Regards,

Yuriy Onufreyiv

Note:Please get back to me through this mail:salenco_viktor@yahoo.com

Poor Yuriy. Perhaps we should all send him our warmest wishes.

Dante's 82nd Circle of Hell

2006-06-11T21:57:00.000-07:00

...is having this song stuck in your head.

The thing is that I don't like the cars that go boom. Somebody make it stop. I might have to use this to counteract it. Damn, or maybe even this.

Happy 6/6/06!

2006-06-06T16:35:00.000-07:00

All this ridiculousness over 6/6/06 reminds me of a funny story. You see, I attended a Jesuit university. Between my freshman and sophomore years, the school decided to install their own phone system. Exactly what this entailed I don't know. What I do know is that it resulted in Pacific Bell (or whatever it was called back then) assigning "666" as the prefix for the entire university. Some Pac Bell employee had a good laugh over that one I'm sure.

Outta My Way

2006-06-05T16:01:00.000-07:00

Here's a fun meme that I "stole" from RW at Chasing Vincenzo:

AutoMeme

1. Driver's seat or passenger seat?
2. What was the first car you owned (could have been purchased by someone else)?
3. What is the first car you paid for yourself?
4. How many cars are currently housed in your place of residence? How many are still operable
5. If money were not a factor, what kind of car would you own?
6. If a police investigation was not a factor, what kind of car would you destroy any time you see it? Why?
7. Does driving in big city traffic fill your veins with adrenaline or your pants with something a bit worse?
8. What is your biggest pet peeve regarding driving and/or your fellow drivers?
9. What's the most expensive traffic ticket you've ever received (could be monetary or jailtime)?10. What is the name you've given to your current vehicle (be honest, everyone names their car)?

1. Driver's seat
2. 1976 Ford Granada (nicknamed "the bean" by my mother which was short for "beaner mobile." We're not a very politically correct family.)
3. 1994 Honda Civic
4. 1/1
5. Mercedes S Class in black (because black would match my outfits)
6. PT Cruiser because they just look so incredibly stupid
7. Adrenaline
8. People who make a right turn on a red light without coming to a full stop first. (Especially if I happen to have a green left arrow.)
9. Probably about $100
10. My Lexus IS300 is knicknamed "The Boy Racer "

What's the Gayest Thing You've Ever Done?

2006-06-05T15:37:00.000-07:00

I was catching up with a friend last night on the telephone. I asked what he'd been doing lately and he said that he'd been to two shows and that one was so incredibly gay it was "the gayest thing" he'd ever done. I said "You mean gayer than the Cher concert you went to?"

Yes, apparently gayer than a Cher concert. We decided that this rates a 9.75 on the gayness scale (had Harvey Fierstein played the title character it would have rated a perfect 10) while a Cher concert rates in the 9.0-9.5 range.

When Girrls Drink Too Much

2006-06-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

(Courtesy of Felony Joyride)

When girls drink too much:

We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.
We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling “woo-hoo” is truly the sexiest dance move around.
We’ve suddenly decided that we want to kick someone’s ass and honestly believe we could do it too.
In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago.
We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them sooooooo much.
We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because “Oh my god! I love this song!”
We’ve found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us.
We’ve suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just lemonade, but that’s just because we can no longer taste the gin.
We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor (or the mop?).
We fail to notice that the toilet lid is down when we sit on it.
We take our shoes off because we believe it’s their fault that we’re having problems walking straight.

Now I can honestly say that I've experienced all of these except #9 and #12. First off, never ever ever be rude to your bartender unless he/she is an asshole and you have established this while you were sober. And never be mean to your shoes. Shoes are wonderful and beautiful and can never do wrong.

She Rocked "the Rock"

2006-06-04T20:44:00.000-07:00

I spent today in the city watching eclectideb do the "Escape from Alcatraz" triathlon. Deb did an awesome job! The race started with a swim from Alcatraz. (I'm not sure the distance. It took her about 45 minutes and took the guy who finished first about 20. Let's just say that it's a long freaking way!) Then there was an 18 mile bike ride followed by a lovely 8 mile run. (The run being her favorite part. Yeah right.)

It's amazing to see that the human body is capable of this. The oldest finisher was 78. And there were also a couple of teenagers who finished. The most overwhelming thing to see was a guy with a prosthetic leg. He struggled at the end, but he made it.

Watching all that exercise made me tired, hungry, and thirsty. So I finished my evening with dinner and wine at Village Cafe.

All Bad All Bad

2006-06-03T01:01:00.000-07:00

You go out. You meet someone who seems like a very decent guy. Then you get to drinking and somehow your foot (in the "fi' dollah make me hollah" shoes) ends up on the bar. And then you let it drop that you vote Republican.

Oh well. It was fun for a couple of hours.

This is why I do not date. Please disregard any prior advice.

I'm going back to my hole now.

Kitchen Update

2006-06-02T12:52:00.000-07:00

The upper cabinets are in as well as the range and microwave. Yay!

How to Talk to Girrls Installment 1 - Self-Confidence

2006-06-01T16:21:00.000-07:00

Should you find yourself out after work enjoying a cocktail and you spy a particular lady that you find attractive and/or interesting, don't be afraid to approach her. (Checking for a wedding ring first, though, is always a good idea.)

It is important to have self-confidence and essential that you show no fear. Women can smell weakness. And you will be just another piece of road pizza on the great highway of life unless you are confident enough to seem worthy of this lady's attention.

There is a fine line, however, between being confident and being an asshole. Unfortunately it's a VERY fine line and consequently it's difficult to provide guidance in this area.

I find the Ladder Theory to be very helpful. Size yourself up then size up the lady and see if the match looks even remotely feasible. As much as you probably don't want to admit it, you know it's true: people only want to date others who are in their "league." Let's face it, rarely do you see a lopsided couple where one person is gorgeous and the other a troll. (Although there's almost always a contrast gainer. But I don't believe that is strictly based on looks.)

(Time for a martini break so that I can do some more research and come up with another installment.)

Bobgirrl's Guide to How to Talk to Girrls

2006-05-31T17:13:00.000-07:00

Basil Seal has suggested that I put together examples and step-by-step instructions on how to talk to girls. I think I'll get right on that! (Of course this will require a round of martinis first.)

Lucy You Have Some 'Splaining to Do

2006-05-31T17:05:00.000-07:00

Would someone kindly explain this to me?

I call me credit card company.
Their automated doohickey asks me to enter my account number then asks for the last 4 digits of my social security number.
I enter both correctly.
I then select the option to speak to a human (or as close as I can get).
The first thing the human asks is for my account number and the last 4 digits of my social security number.

ARGH!!!!

What's That Sound You Ask? Why, It's the Camel's Back Breaking

2006-05-31T13:08:00.000-07:00

Vodkagirl and I had a conversation recently in which we determined that in order to meet men, we must move. Simply put, there are two main problems with men in the Bay Area: 1. they're gay or 2. they're geeks and don't know how to talk to girls.

And now there's this story: the geeks are running amuck and beating each other with their pocket protectors. Maybe they should try getting laid.

Good grief. I'm calling U-Haul.

(Via Phin's Blog.)

Kitchen Update

2006-05-30T16:41:00.000-07:00

Here is where things stand: The new all-gas range will be delivered Thursday. (This being the range that replaces the dual fuel range that I cannot have since I lack a 220 volt outlet in my kitchen. Oops.)

Mario is supposed to have the wall where the soffit used to be texturized and painted and blah blah blah and the upper cabinets installed by the end of this week.

I left a message for the countertop people and am trying to schedule them to come out and measure Monday.

Fingers crossed, people!

(Oh and I am going to spend the rest of my life continually cleaning fingerprints off of that refrigerator.)

Celebrities No Longer Allowed to Have Children

2006-05-28T22:26:00.000-07:00

It was announced today that celebrities will no longer be allowed to have children due to their complete and total lack of ability to give a child a name that is even 1/10th normal.

Case in point: Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. (Uh, my grandparents had a beagle named Shiloh. Enough said.)

More
I'm sensing a pattern here. My great-grandmother's last name was Appleby yet we always referred to her as "Grandma Apple." I also have a grandmother who had a dog named Shiloh. My father used to have a dog named Stubbie. If Ashton manages to impregnate Demi, don't be shocked when they announce the arrival of little Stubbie Moore-Kutcher. Yikes!

And a Little Bit More
Wilford Brimley Jolie Pitt. Yep, that just about says it all.

It's Not Rocket Surgery!

2006-05-28T22:12:00.000-07:00

No, it's certainly not!

Theat-ah Overload

2006-05-28T21:39:00.000-07:00

Here's what I've seen this season:

Intimate Apparel (Someone wrote this but obviously his/her name was not worthy of being put on the cover of the program. Anyhow, I found it very entertaining.)
The Overcoat (Fuck, one of my top five theater experiences. Music by Shostakovich.)
The Crucible (A mediocre attempt by Opera San Jose. As to be expected.)
The Haunting of Winchester (I got in for free. Enough said.)
Doctor Atomic by John Adams (Probably the best opera I've ever seen. Period.)
The Caucasian Chalk Circle by Bertolt Brecht (Fabulous. Much more light-hearted than I expected.)
The Tricky Part (A priest molesting a child. Ugh. Told ya so.)
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (Tennessee Williams. Rene Augesen as Maggie and Jack Willis as a fucking fantastic Big Daddy. Awesome.)
Fidelio by Ludwig van Beethoven (I don't remember this.)
Pride and Prejudice (Great fun but hated the wretched set.)
Sexual Perversity in Chicago by Mamet (Dated. Yawn. Is it time for a 'tini yet?)
The Immigrant (Charming.)
Gem of the Ocean by August Wilson (Fantastic. Great play and great acting. Although a little obvious which I don't appreciate being hit on the head with.)
Beach Blanket Babylon (What can I say? I've lived in the Bay Area for half of my life but had never seen it. Everyone should see it once. Emphasis on "once.")
The Rivals (Perhaps my worst theater experience ever. Left at half time. Will those people ever stop talking? And can Gregory Wallace please play a different character??)
The Intelligent Design of Jenny Chow (Great fun. Lot's of cursing. Oh, and flying dolls! What more could one want?)
True West by Sam Shepard (RE-E-E-E-ED SAILS in THE SUNSET!!!!!!!!!!!! The first play I ever saw. Never fails to dissapoint. When in doubt go back to basics.)
Iphigenia at Aulis (Probably a fine play but the Rep's anti-war spin sent me into fits. Will seriously doubt anything they put on again. And really think about where I spend my money.)
A Number (Didn't get all the hype. Good. Fine. Definitely not memorable.)

Whew.

It's All Cash Friday (Errrr.. Saturday)

2006-05-27T00:43:00.000-07:00

I hear the train a comin'
It's rollin' 'round the bend,
And I ain't seen the sunshine,
Since, I don't know when,
I'm stuck in Folsom Prison,
And time keeps draggin' on,
But that train keeps a-rollin',
On down to San Antone.

When I was just a baby,
My Mama told me,
"Son,Always be a good boy,
Don't ever play with guns,
"But I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him die,
When I hear that whistle blowin',
I hang my head and cry.

I bet there's rich folks eatin',
In a fancy dining car,
They're probably drinkin' coffee,
And smokin' big cigars,
But I know I had it comin',
I know I can't be free,
But those people keep a-movin',
And that's what tortures me.

Well, if they freed me from this prison,
If that railroad train was mine,
I bet I'd move out over a little,
Farther down the line,
Far from Folsom Prison,
That's where I want to stay,
And I'd let that lonesome whistle,
Blow my Blues away.

Keep Your Hands To Your Fucking Self

2006-05-26T23:56:00.000-07:00

I am not at all a musical person (oh no, honey, cannot sing a note) but I know what's good when I hear it. So tonight I followed a link from Agent Bedhead to someone to someone to someone who linked to Living Color and the Georgia Satellites.

And fuck....................... if ya'll don't know who the Georgia Satellites are, well let me tell ya'. Hold on a sec while I run upstairs to grab a couple of their cassettes from the top of the closet. (Sorry, listen to J. Cash while I'm gone. BRB.)

Oh fuck I'm back. And well, I found a LOT. K, let's start with the G Satellites coz that's what I promised. All I can say is "Keep Your Hands to Yourself." And if you don't know where of I speak then pity you.

But while I was up in the top of the closet (yes all of the late 80's and early 90's goodness is stored at the top of the closet above the washer and dryer, sad I know) I found The Specials. And a lot of Fishbone.

And then I found Wire Train. They are sooooooooooo obscure that I'm so sorry unless you own this cassette (yeah I said cassette) you will never hear them.

And then FUCK there's David and David. Welcome to the Boomtown. Fuck.

Oh and Let's Go Bowling! Coz I went to High School with those guys (and sadly not all of them have made it). Eek. (Whoa and now that I check out their current bio there is only ONE original member from the 80's. Wow, funny and if you look at the pix on their site they are just a bunch of middle age fat guys. Eek. Does that make me a middle age fat girl? Prolly.)

OK, just one more obscure ska reference - The Selecter: Too Much Pressure!!! (yeah, no shit.)

What you don't like ska? What's wrong with you people?

I Don't Understand

2006-05-26T23:34:00.000-07:00

I can't do this anymore. I simply do not get it. Game over. I'm done. At least some friends have some interest in you guys. I'm out. Can't do it. I don't know what to say 'cept I DON'T understand.

So if it works for you girlfriends, more power to you. I've never been able to make it work. And as Eminem would say "bye-bye."

Wide Load

2006-05-26T11:51:00.000-07:00

Where have manners gone? I saw something the other day that was appalling yet also funny in a twisted sorta way.

Check this out:

I went to a company meeting at the local convention center. I arrived a little early to avoid traffic and parking hassles. I decided to sit on the far side of the room (which seated several thousand) and on an aisle so I could see. The row in front of me was empty. Two rows in front of me a guy was seated on the aisle and the rest of his row was empty.

Several minutes went by and more people started filtering in, but there were still plenty of empty seats. I was looking down fiddling with my phone when I heard someone mutter something in a nasty tone and caught the guy who had been sitting in front of me storming by in my periphal vision. I turned and saw him plop down in a seat a few rows behind me.

I thought that was strange behavior for a company meeting, but as I turned back around I understood why. Four or 5 people had come in and sat down in his row. The gentleman who had sat in the seat next to angy-guy was so ginormously fat that he was sitting half in angy-guy's seat. Literally, half of his body was in the other seat. We're not talking just a pinkie finger or part of an arm. HALF of his body.

Also please note that there were still plenty of empty seats and fattie could have easily secured two empty seats rather than sit on someone's lap.

What is wrong with people??? If you want to be ginormously fat, go right ahead. But when you start sitting on normal size, I have a problem with that!

Dear Pete Doherty's Wig

2006-05-24T21:52:00.000-07:00

Listen up Pete Doherty. This town is only big enough for one girl with a bob.

Sincerely,
bobgirrl

(Pix courtesy of Mistress Sadie, aka Agent Bedhead)

Charlie's Anus Take 2 (And......Action!)

2006-05-24T20:52:00.000-07:00

You've got to see this. Completely PG but please don't turn up the volume at work. Earphones people. I hope my neighbors enjoyed it. But after a weekend of Johnny Cash, they're probably ready.

(Courtesy of Jeff at Beautiful Atrocities (which can conveniently be shortened to BA). Oh and Jeff got it from somewhere else but I can't keep up. Whatever. God, I wonder if I'm being wiretapped? Let's hope so!)

Tree Hugging

2006-05-24T13:00:00.000-07:00

Wow, Joan Baez has taken up residence atop a tree. Apparently she has been joined by a woman who once spent two years perched in a tree. Two years! This brings up some practical questions:

How in the heck do you "use the facilities?"
How do you get food, water, and martinis up to you?
What sort of shoes does one wear while living atop a tree?
Is there wireless access?
Have you stopped to consider the tree's feelings in all this?
How do you shave your legs while balancing on a tree branch? (oh wait, nevermind)

Tap Away, Baby

2006-05-24T12:26:00.000-07:00

During dinner last night with Vodkagirl we had a discussion about the scandal du jour - wiretapping. The conversation basically boiled down to this: prior to the scandal, didn't everyone already think the government taps our phones??

And now courtesy of Potfry a new poll to "better understand the American psyche and how it sees the relationship between civil liberties and public safety:"

1. Do you believe that personal privacy should be protected in any situation?
1A. If "Yes," consider the following hypothetical situation: Islamic Fundamentalists have kidnapped you and are planning to film your decapitation. As they sharpen their knives, they thank you for protecting their privacy, which allowed them to make dozens of phone calls planning your abduction. As you watch them set up the camera, do you:
1. Desperately try to convince the terrorists that you were on their side all along?
2. Wonder if a tapped call or two wouldn't have hurt too much

2. Do you think the Bush administration has gone too far in restricting people’s civil liberties by tapping phone calls?
2A. If, for instance, a phone call was traced that revealed a rogue gang of Islamic fundamentalist thugs was planning to hijack your child's school bus and drive it into a deep ravine, would you feel that the rights of the terrorists had been violated?

3. Do you believe that terrorists are plotting to attack the United States again?
3A. If "no," do you remember the events of September 11, 2001?
3B. If "no," are you (check all that apply)
1. Under 4 years of age
2. Recently released from long-term psychiatric care
3. Managing multiple internal voices on a daily basis

4. Do you feel that Osama Bin Laden is bent on the destruction of the United States?
4A. If "no," do you (check all that apply)
1. feel the guy is just misunderstood
2. Is just a troubled lad who needs a good talking-to
3. Could probably fix his "issues" in a session or two with your psychotherapist

5. Do you fear the government will arrest you because they happened to track your call to the local tobacco shop, asking if they had Prince Albert in a can, and when they said "yes," you said "Well, let him out!" and hung up giggling madly?
5A. If "Yes," do you (check all that apply)
1. Read many Tom Clancy novels
2. Believe the government is hiding dead martians in a secret location
3. Think Elvis is planning a comeback

6. Hypothetical Situation: It's 2007. The NSA's program of call-tapping has been stopped by congressional intervention. Unfortunately, your water supply has been laced with cyanide by Islamic terrorists. As you and your family flop like fish on the kitchen floor, what are you thinking?
1. Thank God my calls weren't tapped!
2. I could really go for a Chai Tea Latte right now
3. Shit, someone's going to find my stash of Penthouse magazines and "special ocassion" doobies.

Um yeah.

Speechless

2006-05-23T11:59:00.000-07:00

It's not often that I'm rendered speechless.

All I'm going to say is this:

I am #1 on MSN's Search Arabia (that's right, I said Search Arabia) for (may I have a drumroll please?)...................................................................

41 inch big girl ass

Mom will be so proud.

(Top that Llamas!)

Mmmmmmmmm..... BACON

2006-05-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

Overheard last night:

"Foie gras - it's kinda like BACON pudding."

Trolling for Exs

2006-05-22T15:32:00.000-07:00

A list of the top paid executives in the Bay Area has been released. I'm thinking any guy in the top 50 ought to be excellent future ex-husband material!

New Google Logo?

2006-05-22T15:14:00.000-07:00

I know I tend to be hopelessly out of it, but does Google have a new logo? I never before noticed Sherlock Holmes being part of their name. It's hideous. It took me quite some time to realize that blob actually was supposed to be Sherlock Holme. At first glance it looked like some sort of mutant monkey.

How about a little creativity here, guys? Using a character from an antiquated form of communication doesn't seem very savvy to me.

Update
OK, Sherlock Holmes is very recognizable from the main Google page but definitely not from the search results page. And I haven't even had a cocktail yet today!

Way To Go Llama's!

2006-05-22T13:52:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to the Llama Butchers for being #5 on Google search for "Mozart song jackass." I only hope I can be this spectacular one day.

Long Live the Queen!

2006-05-21T21:15:00.000-07:00

You can sell, you can buy, having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the Craigslist queen...

What would we do without Craig's List? ? ? ???

In the past few days I have gotten rid of all of my old kitchen cabinets. (For free! Just advertise ANYthing for free and it will be picked up in a matter of hours. I put them on at about 10:00 Thursday night, went to bed, and at 8:00 Friday morning had 60 emails!)

I sold my fridge for $200. Some guy is supposed to pick up my dishwasher tomorrow for $50. Oh, and I also gave away a very cheap white particle-board entertainment center that I bought for my first apartment almost 17 years ago.

(Know anyone who needs a gas range or wants a Crate & Barrel dining room set?? Just tell them to contact the Queen.)

I Wonder How My Neighbors Feel About Johnny Cash

2006-05-20T22:50:00.000-07:00

Not really. Don't care.

It's All Cash Saturday

2006-05-20T22:30:00.000-07:00

Everybody knows where you go when the sun goes down.
I think you only live to see the lights of town.
I wasted my time when I would try, try, try.
When the lights have lost their glow, you're gonna cry, cry, cry.

I lie awake at night and wait 'til you come in.
You stay a little while and then you're gone again.
Every question that I ask, I get a lie, lie, lie.
For every lie you tell, you're gonna cry, cry, cry.
You're gonna cry, cry, cry and you'll cry alone,
When everyone's forgotten and you're left on your own.
You're gonna cry, cry, cry.

Soon your sugar-daddies will all be gone.
You'll wake up some cold day and find you're alone.
You'll call to me but I'm gonna tell you: "Bye, bye, bye,"
When I turn around and walk away, you'll cry, cry, cry,

When your fickle little love gets old, no one will care for you.
You'll come back to me for a little love that's true.
I'll tell you no and you gonna ask me why, why, why?
When I remind you of all of this, you'll cry, cry, cry.

You're gonna cry, cry, cry and you'll cry alone,
When everyone's forgotten and you're left on your own.
You're gonna cry, cry, cry.

You're gonna cry, cry, cry and you'll want me there,
It'll hurt when you think of the fool you've been.
You're gonna cry, cry, cry.

Saddened

2006-05-20T01:02:00.000-07:00

I've been very bitchy tonight and I feel bad. Yes, I am often a supreme bitch. But then I also frequently feel bad about it later.

I don't watch TV and certainly not "the news." I almost pride myself on being hopelessly out of touch with "pop" culture. Yet thanks to Yahoo News (courtesy of My Yahoo), I do manage to keep up on the "important" stuff.

I'd been consumed with kitchen matters yesterday so never made it to my blog let alone My Yahoo. I was saddened and sickened this morning when I checked in with some of my fellow bloggers and found the latest news from Iran.

First stop was Brian B at Memento Moron. I left a smart ass comment in characteristic fashion. My comment was (I'm at a loss for words, uncharacteristically). Let's just say highly sarcastic and very pointed at the dear liberals that enable these sorts of regimes to carry on. (God forbid there'd be a war or anything. Dammit, there's that sarcasm again.)

What I read sickened me. And if you knew me better, you'd know that my reaction to something so disturbing is extreme anger but usually expressed through sarcasm and (what I think is) humor.

OK. Whatever. So I read a few more of my usual blog haunts and everyone referenced this same story. Even the ones that rarely talk about "serious" stuff.

I went on about my life. As we all do. Because at the end of the day it may sadden, sicken, and anger us, but let's be real. "Those people" are on the other side of the world. So how much does this really impact me?

Well, it does impact us when we least expect it.

So back to my supreme bitchiness tonight. My dear dear friend Felony Joyride who works for the San Jose Repertory Theatre has unfortunately been the unintended target of my supreme bitchiness this evening. You see, the SJ Rep was unfortunate enough to be doing an extremely libshit-bent production of Euripedes' Iphigenia at Aulis this evening. So I get that this was written as an "anti-war" play some thousands of years ago. But when I walked in and saw the stage littered with oil barrels, I lost it. And then there was the oh-so-obvious fact that Agamemnon was oh-so-obviously dressed in a dark blue suit with red tie a-la-George-Bush and for whatever reason (yeah, you don't have to hit me on the head, I may vote red but I ain't DUMB) Menelaus was running around sporting desert camo (hmm... last time I checked Greece isn't in the desert but they don't have oil either, oh well), and lastly the "Greek" chorus that busted out in dance to a happy little Arab tune.

Ya know what? I'm not a Jew and I'm not a Christian. But I have an incredibly strong urge to run out right now and sew and "A" (for Atheist) to all my clothes.

As someone who used to be my friend said in the days after 9/11 - and I'll paraphrase here - "let's just drop a couple of nukes on that entire region, level it off, and turn it into 'Allah Land.'"

I don't see an alternative. The libshits will do everything they can to convince us that somehow the Jews and Christians in Iran want to wear markings to be distinguished.

No. Even before a trip to the Holocaust Museum in DC last spring, I knew - never again.

Never again. We've used bombs to solve less important problems. "These people" are pushing the limits. Trying to find out how far they can go.

No further. Game. Over.

(So I chose to leave the theater at intermission and write this rant on a series of cocktail napkins. All I can say is that I've put my position out there for all the world to see. If you and your world choose not to listen and it all goes wrong, I told ya so.)

And a Little Bit More
I should have ended this post by saying that collectively, as a nation, we decided several decades ago - never again. I don't give a fucking goddamn about "no blood for oil" or whatever. That isn't what this is about. So now what?

Childish Childishness

2006-05-19T14:16:00.000-07:00

Remember all of those really stupid things we used to do as children to annoy each other? One of the most popular being responding with "I know you are but what am I?" when someone called you a name. Example:

My sister: butt-face!
Me: I know you are but what am I!??

And then there is my personal favorite - simply repeating everything the other person says. I think it might be time to bring this one back. There are way too many people in the world that I would simply like to go away, but they don't seem to get the hint.

Imagine this scenario: I'm sitting at a bar reading Kitchen Confidential minding my own business when some annoying moron approaches and attempts to strike up a conversation. He doesn't seem to get the hint that I'm not interested, so I do the folloowing:

Annoying moron: So do you come here often?
Me: So do you come here often?

AM: Not really, you?
Me: Not really, you?

AM: What?
Me: What?

AM: I asked if you come in here much.
Me: I asked if you come in here much.

AM: What's wrong with you?
Me: What's wrong with you?

AM: You're crazy.
Me: I know you are but what am I!??

I think I'll have to try this one out. But it will be difficult not to laugh. I'll have to think of dead puppies or something.

(Comedian Jenee of People are Idiots fame has been on some unpleasant dates lately. Perhaps she can employ this tactic.)

BACON Makes Everything Better

2006-05-19T12:12:00.000-07:00

I was not having a good day yesterday. Then I found pancetta at the bottom of my handbag and things were instantaneously brightened!

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

2006-05-19T08:54:00.001-07:00

Your Linguistic Profile::

75% General American English

10% Dixie

10% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

0% Yankee

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

I've spent my entire life in California so this isn't surprising. However, my mother's family is from the Midwest so I tend to get a few oddities from that side. (Who else says "catty corner" rather than "kitty corner?") Not sure where the Dixie comes from ya'll.

Courtesy of Brian at Memento Moron.

You MUST Sit Down Right Now and Watch This!

2006-05-19T08:45:00.000-07:00

This is the funniest 6 minutes I've seen in quite some time. I particularly like the Brady Bunch, Mr. Roboto, and Eminem sequences. (Just mentioning those three together should have you intrigued.) Go watch right now.

Courtesy of Felony Joyride.

Making Some Progress (Kitchen Log Day 8 Continued)

2006-05-17T22:30:00.000-07:00

Mario did indeed show back up. He removed the soffit from one wall which you can kinda see in this picture:

He also installed the base cabinets. I love them. They are beautiful. However, the countertop guy was adamant that the range be installed since it is a slide-in and not freestanding. Guess what. It's not installed. And the countertop guy will be here tomorrow morning between 8 and 9. Sigh.

There are also some minor issues such as the sink base only has one door (uh, hello, who doesn't want the second door?) and there are some pretty serious scratches on the lower door of the pantry. But door issues are minor in the grand scheme.

Kitchen Log Day 8

2006-05-17T13:18:00.000-07:00

Bye bye kitchen.

Mario came over this morning and removed all the cabinets and appliances. And then he left. He's coming back. Right?

What's a Girl to Do?

2006-05-16T20:52:00.000-07:00

It seems that on the one hand we have a baby seal threatened with imminent clubbing if Jennifer Love Hewitt doesn't pose for Playboy and on the other hand we've got a whole family of baby seals under threat of the club if she does. According to our Maximum Leader, action film is the way for Jennifer Love Huge Tits to go.

Never Doubt the All-Knowing One

2006-05-16T15:40:00.000-07:00

I just love being right. No, I lu-uhvvvvve it. I relish it. Roll around in it. Well, you get my general drift.

Last night I had dinner at the bar at 7. (Not having a kitchen and all is necessitating constant bar patronage in search of food-stuffs. OK, I know. Excuses. Excuses.) I always seem to get into trouble (of the alcoholic nature) at that place. And last night was no exception.

At this point I have no clue how, but at some point the bar conversation swung to Madonna. And I said that Holiday was her first hit. And the guy next to me said it was Like a Virgin. And I, of course, said No FUCKING Way.

Then another guy tried to look it up on his computer. (You can get free wireless at 7 courtesy of the Quiznos next door. Good to know.) But this person was not very good at working Gawgle and could not find the answer.

But I am soooooooooo right.

Kitchen Log Day 7

2006-05-16T14:52:00.000-07:00

Argh. Dammit.

If you say "I told you so," I will hit you.

Why is it that all home improvement projects seem to take twice as long as you were told they would take? My contractor, Mario, seems to have turned semi-flakey. He started on my kitchen last Wednesday. Originally everything was supposed to be in place (cabinets and new appliances installed) by end of day tomorrow since he was supposed to be going out of town for a few weeks starting Thursday. Now he's not going out of town because he's too busy.

It takes 2 1/2 to 3 weeks after the measurements for the countertop are taken for it to be fabricated and installed. Measurements cannot be taken until the base cabinets are installed. I have an appointment scheduled for the measurements to be taken Thursday morning. That's less than a day and a half from now. And my old cabinets have not even been removed yet. Mario says he will have the base cabinets in by then but gave no dates for the upper cabinets other than to say he'd "fiddle with it" (or something along those lines) time permitting.

My sister and I have always been HUGE fans of I Love Lucy. Do you remember episode # 168 "Lucy Hates to Leave"? Lucy and Ricky have just bought their house in the country, and the Mertzes have rented out the Ricardo's apartment to new tenants. However, something goes wrong with the deal on the Ricardo's new house, so they have to move into the Mertzes place for a month. Consequently the Mertzes already cramped apartment is so stuffed with boxes that no one can get in the door.

This is what my kitchen and dining room now look like. The new cabinets arrived yesterday, and I had the heavy base cabinets put in the dining room and kitchen. (See yesterday's photo.) The appliances arrived this morning. So now the new fridge and range are sitting between the dining room and kitchen. I can just barely squeeze into these rooms.

I can stand not having a kitchen for 2 1/2 to 3 weeks while I wait for the countertop. What I can't stand is the disaster that my house is right now. (And Mario is extremely neat.) I just want the freaking cabinets in so that I can unpack and get rid of the boxes.

I called jdee earlier to vent. She used to be a kitchen and bath designer so she has a lot of experience dealing with contractors. And she and her husband completely remodelled their entire home from top to bottom last year.

There will probably be quite a bit of whining going on here over the next few weeks. You've been warned!

(Good news today, though. My new sofa and dining room chairs are in! Just waiting for the table now.)

Kitchen Log Day 6

2006-05-15T13:01:00.000-07:00

The cabinets have arrived!

(Now let's all keep our fingers crossed that none are broken, cracked, etc. Oh, let's not even go there.)

A Drum Roll Please........

2006-05-15T12:54:00.000-07:00

The Hatemonger's Quarterly has announced the winners of their Third Annual Horrible College-Student Poetry Competition. Congratulations to Mr. Michael E. Lopez who has managed to snag the crown for the third year in a row.

Dare to Dream

2006-05-14T21:41:00.000-07:00

I know you're all sick of this, and I told myself that after being #1 for "engorged duck liver" that I would stop. But like a crack addict, I simply cannot stop. Especially when I'm #2 for "huge wiener." (This despite the fact that I spelled "wiener" wrong. If I had only spelled it correctly perchance I could be #1. Damn. This is the blogging equivalent of falling off the back of the convertible during Homecoming.)

Will Jennifer Love Hewitt Take One for the Team?

2006-05-12T22:59:00.000-07:00

Drop your top Ms. Hewitt, or the baby seal gets it right between the eyes.

Elevator Etiquette

2006-05-12T13:32:00.000-07:00

Listen up people:

When waiting for an elevator do NOT stand directly in front of the door. People may need to get out of the elevator at the floor from which you have summoned the car. If you block the door, they cannot get out. If you barge in first, you push them to the back forcing you to move your fat ass aside in the car like an idiot so they may exit.

If I'm waiting for an elevator and you walk up with the intention of also getting on the elevator, there IS NO NEED TO PUSH THE LITTLE BUTTON AGAIN. That is what the light is for. When the light is lit, this indicates that I have already summoned the car. Pushing the button five more times is NOT, I repeat NOT, going to make the car come any faster.

If you both push the little button five more times and then stand directly in front of the doors, you need to be removed from the gene pool.

That is all. Thank you for listening.

Hee Hee

2006-05-12T09:21:00.000-07:00

I'm #1 on Gawgle search for "engorged duck liver."

(You can blame Robbo of Llama Butchers fame for my addiction to this.)

Out With the Old, In With the New

2006-05-11T22:08:00.000-07:00

Here's Stacy with her 11 year old Coach bag (and a nice cocktail which conveniently matches her shirt). But, sadly, it was time to get rid of her old friend.

So we went shopping. But these bags were WAY too shiney. (And shiney is not Stacy's favorite color. Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

And then Vodkagirl tried to horde all the bags.

Ladies, we are NOT here to buy shoes.

But this bag is just right!

(Damn, I wish I'd brought the camera with the flash. Oh, and I managed to pick up a bag and a pair of shoes for myself.)

Kitchen Log Day 2

2006-05-11T22:01:00.000-07:00

Look Ma, no countertops:

Trying to Keep it Up

2006-05-11T14:49:00.000-07:00

Last night I was number 1 (you heard me) on Blogger search for "peeing." Then this morning I fell to number 8. Now I'm back to number 4. (I coulda been a contendah. OK, that's not really funny but it just popped into my head. )

Speaking of peeing, here is my remodeled bathroom. See:

No pee in site! (Unlike most public women's rooms.)

(Sorry, Basil, no knew kitchen pictures yet.)

Where's My Weed Whacker?

2006-05-11T13:29:00.000-07:00

OK, so what is it with women and long hair? I mean the women with the really scraggly nasty-ass long hair that looks like it hasn't been cut since Michael Jackson's second nose job? You know the ones I mean. They'd probably be fairly attractive with a stylish chin-length cut but they insist on maintaining the same look they had in their 7th grade yearbook photo.

I'm hear to tell ya that most women don't have the quality of hair it takes to get away with a long 'do. And the ones who do are keeping their look up-to-date with a few layers in the front. And they let their bangs grow out at the first sign that the Jersey claw was losing popularity.

If your husband claims his wife has to have long hair, then it's time to get a new husband. (Or just wear a freaking wig when you have sex. From what I've been able to determine that seems to be what it's all about anyway.)

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

2006-05-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

Tonight's the big night - Stacy gets a new handbag! After 11 years with the same black Coach bag (can you say she got her money's worth?), it's time to move on.

(Stacy just IM'd to let me know that the Coach bag has cost her $0.06 per day.)

Number 1, Number 1!

2006-05-10T22:59:00.000-07:00

That's right, I am Number 1, Numero Fucking Uno on blogger search for "peeing." You heard me! Number 1! Number 1! I'm hanging up my hat, calling it quits, going quietly to that big urinal in the sky. That's right, I am number fucking 1 for peeing!

My work here is so done.

Kitchen Log Day 1

2006-05-10T15:27:00.000-07:00

Here's my kitchen day 0:

And here it is at the end of day 1:

Not a lot of visible changes. The soffit has been investigated and Mario has determined that it cannot be removed. He did some plumbing stuff, took down a cabinet, and removed the tile backsplash and bar. Notice how he didn't even mess up the paint when it was removed!

Screwed by Kaufman & Broad Again

2006-05-10T12:25:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't you know it - the soffit that I planned to have removed from my kitchen during the remodel turns out to not be empty after all. They are almost always empty. However, mine is not due to the fact that the builder put a bunch of stuff up there that should have been put in the attic. Most likely because it was 10 cents cheaper to put it in the soffit.

I'm very nervous about this remodel. This has nothing to due with lack faith in my contractor or any of the materials I've purchased. This is solely due to lack of faith in the morons who built my home. I warned my contractor, Mario, to be prepared for anything and expect the worst.

Here's an example of why I'm worried: last fall I had the inside of my home professionally painted. I went from every room and every inch of trim being the exact same shade of off-white to a 3-color scheme. I think it now completely rocks.

After the painting was finished, I noticed that the tacky white plastic box for the doorbell, which hangs high up on a wall in the dining room, looked, well, tacky. So I ordered a cool Crafstman-style new one.

About a week after the painting was completed, on a Sunday evening, I decided to install the new one. So I got out my ladder and assorted screw drivers. I turned the power off to the entire house because I wasn't sure what circuit the doorbell was on. I climbed up on the ladder, removed the cover, and proceeded to unscrew the old box. When I had partially unscrewed the screw on the right side, I heard a hissing noise. So I partially unscrewed the screw on the left side and didn't hear anything. So I screwed the right side back in and the noise subsided but didn't go away.

My mind was racing as I thought perhaps there was more to a doorbell than I was aware. But since I had taken the new one apart and it wasn't any more complicated than two wires, I had no clue what could be going on with the old one. So I unscrewed the right side again. This time the sound grew increasingly louder as if pressure was being relieved or something.

And then a strong stream of water shot straight out and hit me smack in the face. I put my hand over the gushing water to no avail. (OK, yes, I realize now that was not going to help.) I was in a state of panic with zero clue as to what to do. I thought about calling 911 but then remembered the idiot who called 911 because she burned her chocolate chip cookies. All I could think was that I'd just spent thousands of dollars on the paint job and I'd just had the carpet cleaned, and now everything was going to be ruined and clearly whatever damage was being caused was going to cost thousands of dollars to fix.

I tried to call a friend who is handy but got no answer. Finally I ran around to my neighbor's house who THANK GOD was home. And he just so happens to be a Safety Engineer. Definitely the kind of guy you want as a neighbor. He told me to turn the water off to the house, which in my state of panic, I could not recall how to do. So he did it for me, but still the water did not stop. He said it must be the fire suppression system (fire what?) and to call the fire department.

While we waited for the fire department to arrive, he asked me what I had been doing. When I told him, he said that I must have hit the pipe for the fire supression system which is constantly full of water. (Of this I was not aware.) However, I hadn't screwed anything in! I had only unscrewed!

Meanwhile, I went down into the garage which is directly under the dining room. Because so much water was gushing out (think a geyser here, imagine thousands of gallons), the water was now coming out through the outlet in the ceiling for the garage door opener and running all over the car. I got the car the hell out of there. And then there was my brand new bathroom vanity sitting in the garage awaiting installation which was about to turn into Noah's fucking ark. I did my best to push the box out of the way.

The fire department arrived and of course wondered what the hell I was doing. I must say that the fire department is truly the BEST. They were soooooooooo nice and soooooooooo helpful. My neighbor explained what was going on and they shut off the fire supression system. This essentially drained all the water from the pipes in the 6 unit building so that it stopped gushing out in my dining room. They poked holes in the garage ceiling to let the water out. (Thank god the ceiling did not fall.)

Of course there were questions about what I'd been doing during which I kept adamantly saying that I was unscrewing not screwing. Then the guy who seemed to be in charge called me into the dining room and said that what had happened was absolutely not my fault. He said, "See that hole in that pipe there?" Yes, I saw the hole. When the doorbell was installed, the screw on the right side was driven into that pipe which just happened to be full of water. For 11 years, that screw essentially plugged that hole. Until I decided that I need a new doorbell.

Just writing and remembering this is making me sick to my stomach.

Now do you see why I'm nervous?

Please No Peeing in My Presence

2006-05-10T10:35:00.000-07:00

Bathroom habits and bathroom etiquette seem to be a popular blogging topics these days. On Monday, comedian Jenee wrote about her non-hand washing habit as well as bunching vs. folding. Today, I came across Kelley’s expose on women’s sordid bathroom behavior (via Agent Bedhead).

Vodkagirl and I used to work together in a building that had one large “ladies” room with about 12 stalls. We were always appalled by the conditions in the bathroom: pee on the seats and floor, footprints (yes, I said footprints) on the seats, seat covers left on the seat after being used (or was the former occupant just being kind and placing a clean cover on the seat just for me?).

However, none of these occurrences irked us so much as the following scenario: You walk into the bathroom and all stalls are empty. You select a stall near the far end (for some reason I always selected the 2nd to last. I know, TM). While you’re in the stall you hear the door to the bathroom open. You hear footsteps coming toward you. The door to the stall IMMEDIATELY NEXT TO YOU swings open and in walks No Personal Space Patricia.

There are 12 stalls in the bathroom and I’m at the far end. What is wrong with someone who chooses the stall next to the only occupied stall? Do they get lonely and have issues peeing without company? I mean: Come. Freaking. On. How about a little distance here??

Vodkagirl and I had many passionate IM exchanges about this lack of respect for personal space. After a little online research, we found a great online quiz which aims to help men in selecting a urinal. I think it can easily be applied to women and stalls as well.

I’ve always found it interesting that stalls in American bathrooms lack doors and walls from floor to ceiling. In Europe and other parts of the world stalls are essentially fully enclosed closets. Europeans always think Americans are so uptight. Why did we have to choose this one particular area to NOT be uptight?

I’d like my own fully enclosed little room with sound and smell-proofing, please.

Who Dropped Chip on His Head?

2006-05-09T14:10:00.000-07:00

Today the Hatemongers posted a list of "Things That Ought to Get Our Dander Up But Don't." Perhaps the crack young staff has collectively started taking Prozac? I like my Hatemongers with their dander up, thank you very much!

Kitchen Not-So-Confident

2006-05-08T17:43:00.000-07:00

I think I'm beginning to stress about my upcoming kitchen remodel.

Last night I had a dream that not only was I remodelling the kitchen but the bathroom as well. And I ordered a cabinet for the bathroom to match those in the kitchen. For some reason, the bathroom cabinet was delivered first. When the box was opened it turned out the cabinet had the wrong doors. And they were freaking U-G-L-Y! (And they had no alibi.)

So off I went to Home Depot with paperwork in hand to do some major complaining. It turned out my paperwork was correct, but when I looked through the brochure, I could no longer find my cabinets in it! And my designer claimed that the brochure had not been changed! I was mad and confused.

And then I woke up. And now I'm frightened!

I Think I Can, I Think I Can

2006-05-08T10:01:00.000-07:00

Avril Lavigne learns to walk and chew gum at the same time.

You simply must see this!

(Courtesy of Jeff at Beautiful Atrocities)

The End of an Era

2006-05-07T18:45:00.000-07:00

After a day spent packing up most of my kitchen to get ready for the big remodel, I decided to cook Buffalo Meatballs in Tomato Sauce for my last dinner in this kitchen.

(I'd been procrasting since last week by going to Village Cafe with jdee on Thursday and Paragon with Felony Joyride on Friday where we did not celebrate Cinco de Mayo. Today it was time to get down to serious business.)

Here's the recipe:

Bufallo Meatballs

Combine in a fairly large mixing bowl:

1/2 cup Italian-seasoned bread crumbs
1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons finely grated Romano or Parmesan cheese
1/4 cup milk (I use fat-free)
1/4 cup low-sodium beef broth
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons Egg Beaters or similar product
2 tsp. minced garlic
1 1/2 tsp. dried oregano
1 1/4 tsp. salt
1 1/2 tsp. ground black pepper
1 tsp. dried basil
1/2 tsp. crushed red pepper flakes

Crumble over the top and mix in with a fork 3/4 lb. ground buffalo and 1/4 lb. ground pork. (I get fresh ground buffalo at Whole Foods. If you can't find buffalo, I'm sure a good quality ground beef would work as well.

Shape into 12 balls about 2 inches in diameter and place on a baking sheet big enough to hold all of them (duh). Poor 1 cup of beef broth over the bottom of the pan. Bake at 375 degrees for 20 minutes. (When meatballs have finished cooking, save the beef broth with using a turkey baster.)

Meanwhile, make Tomato Sauce:

Cook the following in some olive oil in a large Dutch oven until translucent (about 5 minutes).

1 cup chopped onion
about 3-4 cloves minced garlic (depending on how much you like)

Add the following and bring to a boil:

1 28-ounce Italian-style crushed tomatoes
1 28-ounce can Italian style stewed tomatoes
2 1/2 tsp. dried basil
1 tsp. crushed red pepper flakes

Add 1 1/3 cup (in total) of some combination of chicken broth, white wine, and beef broth that was saved from the bottom of the pan after the meatballs finished cooking. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low and simmer 1 hour and 10 minutes.

Add meatballs to sauce and simmer for another 10 minutes. I like to serve this over penne pasta garnished with sliced fresh basil and fresh Parmesan cheese.

(Serves 4)

Enjoy!

Kitchen Confidential

2006-05-07T17:31:00.000-07:00

I just started reading Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential, a book which I cannot believe I managed to miss until now. I am absolutely in LOVE with this man. To give you an example of his attitude and writing style:

Vegetarians, and their Hezbollah-like splinter faction, the vegans, are a persistent irritant to any chef worth a damn. To me, life without veal stock, pork fat, sausage, organ meat, demi-glace or even stinky cheese is a life not worth living. Vegetarians are the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit, an affront to all I stand for, the pure enjoyment of food.

I'm thinking of having t-shirts made.

Oh, and some of the other tips I've picked up so far:

Only order seafood on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday (under no circumstances order it for Sunday brunch (in fact avoid Sunday brunch all together) or Monday night)
NEVER order mussels in ANY restaurant
Bread is usually "recyled"

He then goes onto say that "you only go around once" and it's good to be an adventurous eater just use a little common sense.